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loosenmylips → blowhertohell

it's been awhile, since i've posted an actual update and somehow i feel compelled to do so. probably because i've sat here all morning and read dave's lj. yeah. i'm sure that's what has inspired me to actually use this thing.

( where to begin... )

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

I'm copying NAMETWIN, who I got this from, and not tagging anyone. DO IT IF YOU WANT. Let's see if I can get 25 out.



1. My name is a good one to start with. I wasn't really named Autumn, because I was born in October. I was named after this song by the Edgar Winter Group - Autumn. My mom swears that it's just a pretty song, but I think she lies. It's horribly sad and I have this theory about being named after it. My mom and dad split up, while she was pregnant with me and knowing my dad the way I do... I'm sure he had a new girlfriend in no time flat. I don't think he's ever really been single for more than like a day. So, my theory is that my mom listened to this song over and over again and named me after the song to remind her of what he did. This theory also extends into the reason why I simply can't get along with her, even when I try.
2. I got married, when I was seventeen, and contrary to popular belief... I'd graduated from high school the August before and I was not pregnant. Really. I promise. I was not pregnant, when I got married. There was no way that I could have been. Jon left for boot camp in August of 2002 and I saw him briefly in October 2002 with his Dad as a chaperone. Then, I spent Christmas 2002 with him and we got married December 30, 2002. Then, he left and I didn't see him for a few weeks, until mid-ish January 2003, before he left for Korea. Seriously. If I had been pregnant at some point in there, then a baby would have been born sometime while he was overseas. Since no baby was, then the logical thinking... I got married, because I wanted to. Now, whether that was the biggest mistake of my life or not is debatable. For now, it's just a fact.



3. I am the mother of two little girls. Jenna Elisabeth was born on December 31, 2004 - two years and a day after my second wedding anniversary. Shannon Rebecca was born on June 1, 2006. They are the absolute joys of my life and the only good thing to come of my ill-fated marriage to their sperm donor. I got the absolute best of him in them, even the most amusing little quirks. Like their love of bologna (ew) and the fact that Jenna only eats pink starbursts. Strange.



4. I have two absolute best friends in the world. Mary is more like a sister to me than anything. I've known her since 1990. We've been best friends for almost two decades, now. She's never let me down and even with her living in Texas, we're still very close. I know that I can call her anytime and if she doesn't pick up the phone, she'll call me back as soon as she gets a moment. I'd do anything for her. Should an Earl situation ever arise, then I'd be on top of that. And the other best friend is SaraGene. She's the surprise. I've only known her for a year, but I think we instantly became the best of friends. We've never really had a fight, even though we're brutally honest with each other. Boys don't even get in the way and they've tried. It's hos over bros between us. Plotting, partying, laughing, crying... Yeah. BFFL.



5. I have a soulmate. I have no problem with announcing that to the world. Richie is my soulmate. It's not even that we were both born on October 29. He just gets me. It doesn't matter, if I don't see him for a year or go all AWOL, flighty on him. He knows I'll come back and that I'm only a phone call, text, or some other electronic message away. Richie's been there through thick and thin and he can take one look at me, even if I'm smiling and laughing and ask... What's wrong? Because he can see through me. I love him. End of story.



6. I have four tattoos and I'd be covered in them, if I could get away with it. On my lower back, I have the tattoo that I got, when I was 16. It's a blue moon with shooting star. On my left shoulder blade, I have a dragonfly with Jenna's initials and her birthdate. On my right shoulder blade, I used to have a shamrock with McQuay under it, but I had it covered up. Now, there's a beautiful night sky, because the sun has set on that part of my life. On my right hip, I have a sparrow that I got after my uncle's girlfriend died. The last coherent thing she said to me was... "While you can still fly, you need to soar."



7. I have four siblings. Three brothers and a sister. I'm closest to my older brother, Jeff. I know I drive him a little crazy, because I have a bad tendency to treat him like he's the younger of the two of us. He's actually 18 months older than I am. I love him to pieces and I'm so very proud of him that it hurts sometimes. My younger brother, Kyle, who I grew up with, isn't quite as close to me. I see him more than I see Jeff, but he's... I don't know. We clash. I love him. I'll always love him, but we clash. Then, there's my baby brother, Thomas. He was born just 28 days before I turned 17. I fell in love with him the day I laid eyes on him. He was my little T-Bug. I don't see him as often as I'd like to and I should probably keep in contact with his mom more. My baby sister, Elfrieda - Elfie, was born, when I was 21. She's younger than both of my children. I've never seen her. There's no telling, when I'll see her, because I'm not on speaking terms with our father. :[



8. I look forward to Sundays, so I can get up early and read PostSecrets. I like to have a cup of hot chocolate and sit at the table and read everyone else's secrets, because sometimes... Just sometimes I can relate to them. I feel like I should send my own in sometimes, but then I never get around to making one. I guess part of me is a little scared that people will know that it's my secret, then it's no longer a real secret, right?



9. I sometimes wonder, if anyone will go to my funeral. I'd like to think that I've touched people's lives in some way or another and they'd attend, but I really don't know. I have this nightmare that no one will attend. In the end, I guess it doesn't matter, because I'll be dead and I probably won't care at that point. Still... sometimes I wonder.



10. I hate silence. Like absolute silence. If I'm home alone, I have to have the TV or radio or something like that going. The silence bothers me. I start hearing things and eventually I'm so freaked out that I can barely breathe. I even sleep with the TV on, if I'm alone. I don't think my kids can sleep without some noise, either, because I tend to leave mine on and they can hear it a little. If someone else is in the house, then I'm okay with complete silence. So, essentially... I'm comfortable with silence in the presence of another, but not alone.



11. I ramble. As if you didn't notice with the above. I ramble more often than I care to admit. I get on a subject and start talking and I lose sight of where I was going with it. It happens a lot. When I get like that, I tend to say... "anyway" or "that's a different story" and try to jump back on track. It doesn't work for long, because before I know it, I'm rambling... again. Haha. It's okay, though. I'm sure I could be far worse. I've noticed I do it mostly with David. I'll start talking and talk and talk and talk and get off track about eighty times, before I actually get to the point I was trying to make. How he puts up with that, I have no clue.



12. Nicholas Sparks makes me cry. I've read two or three of his books and every one of them has made me cry. Most recently, I read Nights in Rodanthe and it killed me. I was bawling my eyes out on the plane to San Antonio. The first movie I saw of one of his books was The Notebook and let me tell you... I can't not cry, when I watch that. I think it set the bar for me on love. I want someone who loves me like that. I want someone who says things like...

"So, it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? Thirty years from now, forty years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him- go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again, if I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."

13. I'm emotional. Or, at least, that's what I call it. I've been told that I'm not emotional, I'm passionate. It doesn't really matter what you call it. All I know is that I feel emotions very deeply and very intensely. I can't just be a little sad. No. If I'm sad, I'm heartbroken, shattered. If I'm happy, then I'm bouncing off the walls and smiling and people think I've lost my mind. If I love, I love deeply and forever. I might not stay in love, but if I love someone... That's it. Nothing changes it, even if I wish I could stop. All of this is why I spent a lot of the time trying just to feel content. That sort of feeling doesn't terrify people as much as the rest of my emotions do.



14. I have a bad temper. When I get started, I can't stop on my own. You either have to let it run it's course or figure out a way to diffuse me. I don't think anyone's ever taken the time to figure out how to do that. It's not really that hard, because I know in my head what I wish someone would do, when I get going. I could probably just spill the beans here and tell everyone, but that would make it too easy.



15. I hate the color pink. And it has nothing to do with the color and everything to do with the fact that my kids are pink fanatics. If it's pink, they want it. It doesn't matter what it is or if we already have 3857454457498 other things that are pink. WE HAVE TO DROWN OURSELVES IN PINK. Really. One day, I'm going to have a PINK sticker made for my car that says "drowning in pink." It'll be great and hopefully some other parents of girls will understand my plight.



16. It amuses the snot out of me that Virginia doesn't exist to the Weather Channel. Seriously. If you watch it, then they'll give the weather from North Carolina down and then DC/Delaware/Maryland up. VIRGINIA DOES NOT EXIST. And I have no freaking idea why, but it really cracks me up.



17. I have danced on top of the bar at a Coyote Ugly. Not once, but twice. Two different nights. I even have the shirt to prove it. I swear. I'll have to take a picture of it and post it. It says, "Shut Up and Dance" on the front and "I danced on the bar at Coyote Ugly - San Antonio." I, also, got sprayed with water the second time. It was hilarious! AND! I have witnesses.



18. I am a big fan of mostly spontaneous roadtrips. SaraGene and I have so much freaking fun on roadtrips that it's hilarious. Taking off for Virginia Beach at 7:00pm was an amazing adventure! It was a last minute decision to go to Neptune Fest! We have to plan, but not plan a few more of those. I have some of the most fantastic memories from roadtrips with her. Georgia, Virginia Beach... What's next? Boston? New Orleans?



19. I am a hockey fanatic. Not NHL, but SPHL. I'm a Renegades fan for life, people. There's no other sport that I can get into as much as I get. Hockey isn't just a sport, it's a culture, a way of being. There's nothing like heckling the opposing team's goalie with a bunch of complete strangers or embracing the fat guy to your left with enthusiasm, when your team scores! And blood on the ice? Simply orgasmic. Seriously. Hockey is a religion. Hockey is my religion.



20. I get motion sickness. Only in planes, though, and only if I fly too early or too late in the day. I avoid it, if I can. I've never thrown up, but I get super sick to my stomach and I've been close to losing my cookies a time or two. It's why I prefer to sit in an aisle seat, in front of the wings. It helps... A lot. And if it doesn't, at least, I don't have to waste time crawling over someone to run for the bathroom, yanno?



21. My all-time favorite movie ever is The Sound of Music. I could watch it over and over and over again and never ever get sick of it. Julie Andrews is phenomenal and it's just a beautiful story. Sigh. Now, I'll have to dig out my copy of the movie and sit down to watch it. I am sixteen going on seventeen... Sigh. So long, farewell... Yeah. That settles it. Watching that movie as soon as I post this.



22. I'm very intuitive. I can almost predict everytime what someone's going to do. I've known it every time that Jon cheated on me. I know what sort of bad news I'm going to receive, before the bearer can even open their mouth. It's a blessing and curse. It's nice to be prepared and have the ability to brace for it, but I'm very rarely ever surprised and that makes me seem really apathetic, which I'm really not.



23. Today is Super Bowl Sunday and I've always wanted to have a Super Bowl party, even though I don't really understand football. It took me FOUR YEARS to figure out what a first down was. I can watch it, but I really just don't get it. I guess it all goes back to being such a fool for hockey. One day, I'll host a Super Bowl party and invite everyone. Probably not anytime soon, though.



24. I love Elvis. He's always going to be the King. He's been dead for almost 32 years and people are still fans. Not only older people, but younger generations, too. He died 8 years before I was born and I still adore him. I've been to Memphis several times. I've seen Graceland - which is an experience in and of itself. The last time I was in Memphis, it was Elvis week and I can't even tell you how trilled I was to have 100s of Elvis impersonators so close. One even serenaded me in the lobby. AMAZING!



25. I've only ever been hung over twice in my life. The first time, I was drinking Jose right out of the bottle and that was a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE morning after. I hate Jose, now. With a passion. I avoid straight tequila like the plague. The other time, I was drinking Gin. That was the worst night of my life. I wanted to die. It was bad. Very, very bad. Gin is made by the devil. Other than those two occasions, I've never been hungover... No matter how much I drink. I don't know why that's the last thing that came to mind, but it is.

today, i have been married for six years. that's right. six years ago, i stood in that stupid gazebo and said, "i do," to a man boy that i thought i would grow old with. i had this whole dream that started with marrying one's high school sweetheart and ended with sitting in rocking chairs or a porch swing in like sixty years. in between, we were supposed to have a couple of kids, a yellow dog, a fenced yard, nice house, laundry on the line... ugh. i had this disgustingly cliche american dream that i thought i was on my way to living.

nothing hurts more than watching someone take a sledge hammer and smashing your dreams to smithereens. not only doing that, but turning into someone you don't even recognize; someone you can't even respect.

i watched the tape from my wedding, yesterday. it was horrible. i had no idea i'd react so strongly. sitting there, i listened to myself talk and make the biggest mistake of my life, but i couldn't stop it. i couldn't reach through the screen and shake myself and tell the seventeen year old me all about the heartache and sadness that was coming. i couldn't warn myself about all the stupidity or even give advice. it was like being dead and watching someone i love step into a massive trap. after the video was over, i was crying and i had to put it onto something happier.

so, then i watched the video tape of jenna's first year. it was so bittersweet and perfect, because my baby's turning four, tomorrow. i got to see her first bath, again, and my arms ached for my baby. so, i made jenna come watch it with me. she sat in my lap and i marvelled at how big she was now compared to the tiny infant i held back then. watching her grow in the video and through the years and just looking at her, now, i realize that i can't regret making the mistake of marrying her father. without him, i wouldn't have her. or shannon. they wouldn't exist without the mistake i made and it's the best thing that came out of my failed marriage.

all of that didn't make knowing today was coming any easier. i tossed and turned all night and had a horrible dream, where i relived my wedding and jon had this look on his face like... like he was going to do sick, twisted things to me. like he was thrilled to have a new toy to torture.

needless to say, i didn't sleep well and now i'm dead tired. i'm stuck here at work and i don't want to be here. i'd rather be anywhere, but here. i feel like being anti-social and in my line of work it's impossible. my only reprieve is that my co-workers seem to sense that i need to be left alone and have tried to stay out of my office as much as they can. even allen hasn't made any of his usual cracks and ray's had limited contact with me. i guess they're more intuitive than i thought. i shouldn't be surprised, we work in such close quarters back here - 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, since may.

i'm so tired, though. i haven't eaten, so i'm queasy and a little light headed. I know better than to do this to myself, but i just can't seem to bring myself to stop this self-inflicted torture. it's 11:00AM. i only have to make it another 13 hours and this day will be over. this day will be over and a happier day will be here - jenna's birthday and the last day of 2008.

never have i wished so hard that the end of the year would come so quickly. 37 hours until 2009! is it too early to start counting?

I'll post an update later, but here are the key points...

• Road trip
• Coke turns to Pepsi
• Car porn
• Lottery tickets
• Holla!
• Swedish parking
• FUCK! No cussing?
• BEACH! OCEAN! FUCK, that's cold!
• Don't you dare!
• You can't cuss, but you can loiter?
• A band... HAHA! EYEBROWS!
• Vendors
• Acoustic/Casper's
• Walking back - 3
• BUSTED!
• A place to stay.

1. Next to each number, write only the name of the person who fits.
2. Answer one question with one name.
3. Don't tell the questions to anyone who isn't doing the meme.
4. Only give the questions after someone promises to do the meme.


1. newdaydawning
2. birches
3. empod
4. foundmysong
5. cleverbluebox
6. kaoticangel
7. shesnomuse
8. jukeboxblues
9. tune
10. jukeboxblues
11. ME?
12. empod
13. jukeboxblues
14. jbradley
15. jbradley
16. kaoticangel
17. cleverbluebox
18. foundmysong
19. tune
20. birches
21.
22.
23.
24. newdaydawning
25.
26. All of ya'll! lol.
27. jukeboxblues
28.
29.
30. Love me. :)

I'm Gone, I'm Going
- Lesley Roy

So sick of hearing your words
All I can hear you say
Is how you want me to live
My life a different way
I'm gonna pack up my things
I'm gonna do it just
Watch me, watch me

I'm like a rat in a cage
About to lose it all
And I ain't gonna give up until I'm standing tall
I'm gonna throw it all in
Just get it over with
Watch me, watch me

Cuz life is way too short
And I can't wait no more

Here I go
I'm gone, I'm going
I'm so over you, and I donÕt care
And I wont go back
Cuz I know if I do, I wont make it
Forgive me, I can't take it anymore

So sick of falling apart and crawling back again
So sick of playing the games that I can never win
I really had it, just so so sick of it
Watch me, just watch me

Cuz life is just way too short
And I can't wait anymore

Here I go
I'm gone, I'm going
I'm so over you, and I don't care
And I wont go back
Cuz I know if I do, I wont make it
Forgive me, I can't take it anymore

I wont look back
I wont look back no more
Hey (2x)

So here I go,
I'm gone, I'm going
I'm so over you, and I don't care
And I wont go back
Cuz I know if I do, I wont make it
Forgive me, I can't take it anymore

Is it wrong that I think I may want to throw a Divorce Party, when this is all over?

Divorce. It's an ugly word. Look at it. It's dirty and sharp and just sounds painful. Say it out loud. Divorce. Doesn't the sound of it hurt your ears and make your stomach hurt? Just typing it makes my fingertips want to bleed, because my heart is tearing itself in two. However, like the masochist I tend to be, I continue on... Divorce. Divorce. Divorce. Divorce. Divorce.

Divorce.
Divorce.
Divorce.
Divorce.
Divorce.

No. I don't feel better. Not even a little bit. It doesn't matter than this is what it was all boiling down to anyway. It still hurts. I feel like I'm a failure and a fool.

I know that he'll never love me like I deserve to be loved. I know he'll always love himself more than he could ever love me. Does that stop me from hurting inside? No.

Also, it doesn't help much, when you're entire family doubts you. I know I've been stupid before and hung on, but this time it's really done. It's over and it's done and there's no support. Maybe that's my fault? I don't know.

- New Kids On The Block Lyrics


For some reason, I'm turning into a massive NKOTB fan. Again.

Dear Malicious Rumor Starter 1 & 2,

Does it make you feel good to tell lies about people? It would be one thing, if you were telling people something that was even a little true, but you're not. You're making shit up. Seriously.

I expected it out of one of you, because you've been doing it, since the beginning. At first, I tried to show you some respect. I tried to like you. I really did. You just made it impossible. It was like the more you opened your mouth, the faker you got. As I started to see through you, you started your little rumors and lies and started trying to cover your tracks, when I confronted you with it. What's the problem, lady? Are you really that insecure? I wasn't even after your job! I'd already decided on a different position for myself, so I just don't get it. Whatever... Everyone sees through you eventually.

As for the other? I was a little shocked, but I probably shouldn't have been. For someone who "hates gossip" and "won't tolerate it," you sure do spread a lot of it. I've done nothing, but bend over backwards for you and try to help you as much as I could. Never once did I ever say anything bad about you... Never. I never let anyone else say anything bad, either. So, I'm almost hurt that you'd do this. I guess I'm really not. Since you associate yourself with people like her, then I'm going to have to assume you're just as fake.

That all being said, I'm going to take a deep breath and just shake my head. You're running your mouths to someone that knows better, so I'm not going to sweat it. Not at all. I'm just going to remember all this, because one day... You two might need me for something and even if it's within my power to do something, I'm going to say no way. On top of all that? Karma's a bitch and it'll get you soon.

So, peace, bitches. I'm above this and you. So done.

-A.

Uh... Shawty Lo? Who is that?

Prompt 231: overcast skies

Overcast skies and silly dreams
Are all that remain to be seen in seems.
With a dreamer's heart and a romantic's eye,
I watch the rain fall down from the sky.

I stole this from LEXICUS. So... DO EET.

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.

( MOOOOVIES )

Sometimes a song can say everything. I wish someone wanted this from me.

RazedSalmon (1:10:13 PM): Clock says it's 2:00.  I say it's 30:00.  Who's to say who is right?  I'll tell you whom! JESUS.  FUCKING. CHRIST. 


LMFAO. Random much? Yes. Who the Hell is that!?

Jenna: That's Daddy's computer.
Me: No. That's my computer. Daddy has his computer.
Jenna: In Georgia house?
Me: No. Remember? Daddy's in Iraq.
Jenna: No, he not. He in MYraq.
Me: What?
Jenna: He no in YOUraq. He in MYraq.


LMFAO.

Dear Stupid Fucking Bitch,

I understand that your daughter has lost her glasses and that she's saying she lost them here at our hotel. What don't you understand about the fact that our housekeepers haven't found them? Or that the sheets are stripped, washed, dried, and the beds are all made back up in the same day? We have THREE, yes, THREE commercial sized washing machines and they are loaded promptly at 9:15am every morning. We, also, have THREE, yes, THREE commercial sized dryers that take, maybe, a half an hour to dry a load.

Crazy.